So… the baby gym. Ben loved it. And, really, it was his first time around other kids and he handled it beautifully. He was his usual mellow self and was totally unfazed by the other kids running around and crawling over him (new paranoia: can a baby be too chilled out? Is something wrong with him?). Mercifully, the gym kept the kids’ music to an absolute minimum and instead played lots of 80′s songs (there is something very funny about seeing toddlers working out to “Eye of the Tiger”). What I wasn’t quite prepared for was the level of mommy participation. After 45 minutes, I was worn out and craving a beer at 10 in the morning. One of the barbaric exercises involved me on my back with Ben’s belly balanced on my shins. Not only was he the heaviest child, I was the scrawniest mom. After a few minutes of this, I was exhibiting several major symptoms of having a stroke (“Can’t… feel… my… left… side…“). Either I need to gain some muscle mass or Ben needs to go on a crash diet.
Here are some pictures (with bonus photography courtesy of Aunt Sandy) of our recent adventures to the beach and the zoo (kindly excuse my freakishly white legs).
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Starting Monday, Ben will be the newest member of the Wee Wiggle Giggles group at JW Tumblers. Allow me to translate: he (well, we, I guess) have joined a baby gym. It will take every ounce of will power to refrain from asking the trainer what kinds of steroids I should be giving Ben to ensure maximum muscle gain because I am that immature.
In addition to, I dunno, bench pressing and deep-knee squats, he’ll be taught sign language. Cool! Maybe he’ll be able to warn me next time he has a diaper that defies all laws of nature and decency like he had earlier in the week (I’ll spare you the details). The part I’m not looking forward to is the end of each class where a musician comes out to tunelessly squawk along to baby songs. Ben is blissfully unaware that any music other than 80′s synth pop, rap, Lady Gaga and Wilco exists. I fear that once he gets a hit of “Itsy Bitsy Spider” (surely a gateway drug/song if there ever was one) that The Wiggles and Barney will be next. Not coincidentally, that will also be when mommy starts showing up to the Wee Wiggle Giggles group three sheets to the wind.
This will be the first time that I’ve really interacted with other moms and their kids. Quite honestly, it’s a bit intimidating. I mean, I dress like a 13 year old boy (Converse shoes, jeans, some sort of band t-shirt, unkempt hair, etc) all the time and am covered in tattoos. Although I genuinely don’t care what other people think of me, I don’t want to embarrass Ben in any way (although I realize that when he’s a teenager, Kurt and I will be the single most embarrassing people to ever exist for him. That’s natural). In a weak moment earlier today, I hopped online and bought capri pants because, well, isn’t that something a mom would wear? And I went to the drug store and bought make-up. I never, ever wear make-up and know nothing about it which is why I shouldn’t have been surprised to discover that the lipgloss and eye shadow I bought is by “Black Essence”, a cosmetic line for African-American women. I am so white I’m damn-near translucent. Oy.
Knowing me, I’m over thinking this, will never wear the capri pants (capri pants!) and will soon realize that everyone will be so dazzled by the sight of this gorgeous little boy (and his Schwarzenegger-like abs) that what I look like won’t matter a bit. Read more…
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Not much to report here. The neighborhood did have a bit of excitement as we were visited by the pig-eyed cretins from the Westboro Baptist Church. You’ll know them as the group of sub-humans who run the www.godhatesfags.com site, think 9/11 was God’s revenge against America for tolerating both gay people and abortion (which is confusing. When practiced correctly, homosexuality leads to ZERO abortions. But anyway…), picket the funerals of US soldiers etc etc. You get the drift. According to their website, they decided to protest outside of a few local high schools because kids are being taught “sodomy, how to kill babies and blindly following the words of Satan Obama”. And here I was worried that Ben wouldn’t pay attention in school… that sounds fascinating. All we learned about was long division and where Vasco da Gama sailed. Sheesh.
I had grandiose plans of going out there to yell at them but, boringly, Ben and I took a nap instead. According to the local news, there were far more counter-protesters than there were members of the WBC, so that was good to hear. I kinda wish we had gone because Ben has never seen idiots in person.
On to the pictures…
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