Benjamin Baby

Starting Monday, Ben will be the newest member of the Wee Wiggle Giggles group at JW Tumblers. Allow me to translate: he (well, we, I guess) have joined a baby gym. It will take every ounce of will power to refrain from asking the trainer what kinds of steroids I should be giving Ben to ensure maximum muscle gain because I am that immature.

In addition to, I dunno, bench pressing and deep-knee squats, he’ll be taught sign language. Cool! Maybe he’ll be able to warn me next time he has a diaper that defies all laws of nature and decency like he had earlier in the week (I’ll spare you the details). The part I’m not looking forward to is the end of each class where a musician comes out to tunelessly squawk along to baby songs. Ben is blissfully unaware that any music other than 80’s synth pop, rap, Lady Gaga and Wilco exists. I fear that once he gets a hit of “Itsy Bitsy Spider” (surely a gateway drug/song if there ever was one) that The Wiggles and Barney will be next. Not coincidentally, that will also be when mommy starts showing up to the Wee Wiggle Giggles group three sheets to the wind.

This will be the first time that I’ve really interacted with other moms and their kids. Quite honestly, it’s a bit intimidating. I mean, I dress like a 13 year old boy (Converse shoes, jeans, some sort of band t-shirt, unkempt hair, etc) all the time and am covered in tattoos. Although I genuinely don’t care what other people think of me, I don’t want to embarrass Ben in any way (although I realize that when he’s a teenager, Kurt and I will be the single most embarrassing people to ever exist for him. That’s natural). In a weak moment earlier today, I hopped online and bought capri pants because, well, isn’t that something a mom would wear? And I went to the drug store and bought make-up. I never, ever wear make-up and know nothing about it which is why I shouldn’t have been surprised to discover that the lipgloss and eye shadow I bought is by “Black Essence”, a cosmetic line for African-American women. I am so white I’m damn-near translucent. Oy.

Knowing me, I’m over thinking this, will never wear the capri pants (capri pants!) and will soon realize that everyone will be so dazzled by the sight of this gorgeous little boy (and his Schwarzenegger-like abs) that what I look like won’t matter a bit. Read more…

Not much to report here. The neighborhood did have a bit of excitement as we were visited by the pig-eyed cretins from the Westboro Baptist Church. You’ll know them as the group of sub-humans who run the www.godhatesfags.com site, think 9/11 was God’s revenge against America for tolerating both gay people and abortion (which is confusing. When practiced correctly, homosexuality leads to ZERO abortions. But anyway…), picket the funerals of US soldiers etc etc. You get the drift.  According to their website, they decided to protest outside of a few local high schools because kids are being taught “sodomy, how to kill babies and blindly following the words of Satan Obama”. And here I was worried that Ben wouldn’t pay attention in school… that sounds fascinating. All we learned about was long division and where Vasco da Gama sailed. Sheesh.

I had grandiose plans of going out there to yell at them but, boringly, Ben and I took a nap instead. According to the local news, there were far more counter-protesters than there were members of the WBC, so that was good to hear. I kinda wish we had gone because Ben has never seen idiots in person.

On to the pictures…

Read more…

Write down yesterday’s date on your calender, folks: IT WAS TOOTH DAY! Yes, Ben got his first tooth. This came as something of a shock because he didn’t exhibit any symptoms (no fever or fussiness, and no more drooling than usual). I was just letting him chew on my index finger while watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race” yesterday and -BAM!- the little bottom tooth made itself known. I immediately yelled, “Oh my god!” and burst into tears. Although I’m thrilled that he’s hit a new developmental milestone, it’s also profoundly sad to have tangible proof of my baby boy getting older. I want him to stay small and cuddly forever. There mere thought of him starting school sends me into a full-on panic attack. MY BABY! *sob*

Needless to say, I’ve been trying to take a picture of his mouth’s newest resident but Ben keeps coyly putting his tongue over it so all of the photographic evidence is the dental equivalent of those grainy, blurry Bigfoot snapshots from the 1970’s.

Speaking of milestones, I get these weekly email news letters from babycenter.com that lets me know what Ben should be doing by now and, though not actually stated, implies that if he hasn’t mastered all of the activities listed by now that there’s a good chance that he’s just dumb and that we should seriously consider abandoning him on someone’s doorstep. It’s a great way to reinforce that feeling of parental ineffectiveness every seven days. Last week’s said something like, “At this stage, your baby should have a rudimentary understanding of quantum mechanics and can recite most of Shakespeare’s sonnets by heart…” The kid isn’t even crawling yet– Jesus! So knowing that his first little wonderful tooth came on on schedule is a huge relief.

Read more…

For Christmas, people who we thought were friends bought Ben a rather elaborate percussion set. I say “we thought” because anyone who truly loved us would not buy an 8 month old such noisy toys. It might as well be called “Chock Full O’ Choking Hazards and Headache Inducers”.  But what’s important is that Ben likes it… and I have earplugs.

Read more…

The many moods of our baby Ben (with guest appearances by Snoop the cat and Kurt)…

Read more…

Ben’s first snow! Kurt and I were manic with excitement to get Ben all bundled up and experience the elements. Ben was… less than impressed. His facial expressions veered from deeply bored to simply annoyed (“Seriously, mom and dad, you dragged me out here for a photo op? It is WARM in the house. I am soooo gonna keep you two awake all night for this…”).

Happily, he was far more pleased with the awesome Baby Gaga onesie we bought him. Fierce modeling photos are below the cut…

Read more…